Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
You Might Also Like
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I have two kinds of followers
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes