A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.