Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
some Old Testament wisdom
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.