“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Some people were born into their job.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off