*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia