Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Only Americans understand
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen