I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.