me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi