By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.