Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another