MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.