Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Who does Amazon think I am?
Batman v Dracula
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first