Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Scream sneezers need love too.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
It’s the weekend y’all
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.