Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.