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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.