My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
You Might Also Like
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Just how popey was the pope today?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*