If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
another case of gang violins