When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
🐕🍷
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco