[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
These work great until they don’t.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification