I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My dog ate my work from home.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’ve had relationships like this
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation