People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Labreador
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me trying to look natural in photos
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Huge, if true.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.