[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The first matador
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening