I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
what does he know…
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.