me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You Might Also Like
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
This can never not be funny 😭😭
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.