How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola