me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.