son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”