Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today