My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….