AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Not even remotely sorry.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End