Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!