Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Banana is the quietest snack
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.