What is going on? 😅
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If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?