what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔