I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.