Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.