I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
This is amazing.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”