If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.