Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
That’s no pocket rocket.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead