[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry…what?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Hard not to take this personally
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.