“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?