Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
You Might Also Like
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
man: wait
time: no
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”