CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son