History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people