I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Going to church you guys need anything
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.