Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.