When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
This is my favorite one of these!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.