Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad