caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
can’t talk my ride’s here
You better watch out
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.