Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.